Tuesday, March 31, 2009

For You, The Fans - Part 4

Numero four of five requires that we take it down a notch....
So, let's get cosy. Come relax on the bear-skin rug with a glass of fine red wine, listen to the charming tinkle of Carmen Cavallaro flowing from the record player by the mahogany sideboard, and as the fire's glow illuminates the room, let me share some timeless advice:

Travelling and meeting foreign women
4) Traveling, and "Meeting Foreign Women" - (44 hits in 2 months)

Yes, this keyphrase was preserved in its original form, quotations and all - it's strange but true, apparently my blog has become the new lavalife. Go figure.

Well, as I do seem to have some experience traveling, and I meet women while traveling every now and then I feel I'm somewhat qualified to give some input here.

Firstly however, let me warn you that the situation can be and is usually woefully awkward, so much so that I have in fact 'awkwarded' a foreign woman to death many times. Yes, 'awkwarded' is a word - now - but as I'm supposed to be giving advice, we'll put my past mishaps aside and I'll attempt to give a 'walkthrough guide'.

The following guide assumes there is a man and woman. If you are a woman trying to meet foreign women, or a man trying to meet foreign men, well you're out of luck, go read another blog.

Step 1

Step 1: Assess the situation.Assess the situation.

Illustration 1 shows a man walking past a woman. The dotted line represents his path, and the duck is there because they're in a park.

Step 2

Step 2: Glance playfully her way.Without frightening the woman, glance playfully her way.

Now, according to The International Flirting Code, she'll probably choose one of the following responses: The Giggle, The Hair-Toss, or the Horror Run. (The Horror Run is usually kind of loud and the woman's limbs usually flail around haphazardly. If you get this response, you're probably frightening the woman as described above).

Step 3

Step 3: Wait for response.Wait for response.

If you get The Giggle or Hair-Toss, you have been invited to engage in conversation. As this is foreign soil, you may want to ask the woman if she speaks your native language. In this case, let's say Zulu.

Step 4

Now that you're good friends, invite her for a game of drunken Twister, or perhaps a night of karaoke with some friends you've made from your hostel. If she declines, repeat step 2 until she agrees, or until you get the Horror Run, in which case you'll simply have to go and search for another foreign woman.

Et finit! You've successfully met a foreign lass while traveling - aren't you clever!

I've seen the above method work many times, often in Hollywood blockbusters, so I know it works. In any case, I wish you the best of luck on your quest, dear gentlemen, and happy travels.

Part 5 coming soon!


7 thoughts are now mine:

Dale said...

The Zulu flag + question mark is great. :) Very handy advice. I thought for sure that the duck would play another part in the story though...

Tim Mc said...

I also thought the duck would have a recurring role...something about a decoy before you pounce. I read guys do that...somewhere.

Patrick said...

The duck is, of course, a metaphor for the 'sitting duck' that is the foreign lass. In your schematic, are those the man's ears or his shoulders? If they are his ears, maybe that's why the woman is giggling. I'm not even going to ASK if those are the woman's shoes(!) :P

Jimzip said...

lol, yeah you nailed it Patrick! (Why didn't I think of that!?)

No, we're looking from above, so they're the man's shoulders and the woman's ... yeah ... shoes.

Anyway, the duck may make a cameo one day. He's already been on the blog before, just in photo-form. :)

Jimzip :D

Anonymous said...

You forgot the fourth and arguably the most painful: The Sack and Bolt. Similar to the Horror Run in that said female flees the scene with flailing arms, but this one is preceded by a swift knee or shin bone placed delicately on the man's gentles. Other similar responses are: The Mace and Flee; The Karate Chop to Throat and Jog and my personal favourite, The Hair Pull, Eye Poke, Gut Punch, Foot Stomp and Skip.

Luke said...

I'm not sure how much use I'll get out of the information - but I enjoyed learning it. :) And that girl's got a nice set of... shoes.

Jimzip said...

Anonymous: Ow! Well that'd be rude! But I do like the last one, has a good ring to it. ;)

Luke: Indeed, they're Prada.

Jimzip :D

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